Though I'm not exactly devout or at the Material Girl's level of discipline with it, the daily meditations usually provoke some thought.
The note this morning seems to speak to some thoughts I've been sorting through lately, so maybe it's a good idea to take it apart in pieces and see if I can get a bit more clear headed with it...
Tuesday, June 9
A psychological study came out a few years ago showing people regret the things they didn't do more than the things they did do.
and how! This is the first big piece for me today. I think I've been spending the past few months absolutely heartsick over a decision I made months ago. Reliving this whole ill feeling about circumstances and choices. Thinking more about the lousy situation that getting creative about changing it...
One of the reasons we miss opportunities is, even if we do know what we want, we get overwhelmed and sidetracked by thoughts of what it takes to get there.
some months back I had this strong sense of wanting to sort out my life alone. I figured it was a challenge I needed to face in my personal evolution.
In coming to Portland I had stripped my life down to its basics and moved into a decent group living situation. A big old house filled to the rafters with a diverse group of people. In recrafting my life that worked for a while. I'd never really lived with people that I wasn't involved in intense intimate relationships with. I'd never had to adapt myself to the concept of "room-mates". The situation eased some responsibilities and also seemed to provide a fair challenge to what I'd previously found comfortable. The whole situation worked for a year. But I had a strong sense of it being time to do something else. On a very personal level I had discovered that though I was in a house full of people I still often felt very alone. I figured that it might actually be loneliness that I needed to address directly. My goals back then were pretty simple... a studio apartment, a good bike and maybe a dog. The basics, right? I knew it would be tough, but I knew that as for my personal evolution that I needed to take this step. In examining the life and the journey I'd been on I realized that in the twenty something years since I'd moved out of my family home I'd only ever lived alone for possibly less than six months.
Had I really spent over twenty years so terrified of loneliness, abandonment or whatever that I'd managed to never be truly alone in this world? Or had I always been there for others, willing to accommodate their needs in exchange for comfort and company?
I didn't know the answers. I just knew that maybe it was time to find out. I hoped and daydreamed that finally making a go of it alone would help me sort through some of the emotional baggage I still carried about family, relationships, love and even myself. Maybe it was time for my Walden woods experience in a studio apartment somewhere.
My wants were simple: Me, a bike. Maybe a dog.
Life, and the things we dream, don't always go according to plans.
I knew for myself, deep inside that I needed to reconcile my relationship to loneliness in order to grow.
Today, there's no such thing as "I don't know how I'm going to do it." Claim what you want and know that you'll find a way. Choose action over inaction.
to be continued...
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